Top marks for not trying

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city-of-demise:

Not all Americans:

• are fat
• like McDonald’s
• like meat
• drink coffee

All Americans:

• PouR THEIR TEA IN THE BOSTON HARBOR

• HAVE A PET EAGLE

(Source: hipsteryoghurt)

(Source: donniedarkos)

fuckingmulder:

Imagine Mulder and Scully at a restaurant. Someone starts to have an allergic reaction to something. The person they’re with says, “IS THERE A DOCTOR HERE?!”

Mulder looks over at Scully in slow motion. The music swells. Scully rises.

Her time has come.

She is a medical doctor.

i’m in the hospital and i’m having a moment here guys

(Source: eelslut)

wait i can’t

wait i can’t

(Source: bobbycappuccino)

The Xanax Story
John Mulaney

glindabubbles:

I want to give people the opportunity to laugh today. So here is John Mulaney. THIS IS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE JOKE IN THE UNIVERSE. PLEASE LISTEN TO IT.

"Adult life is already so goddamn weird" ahahhaha

actually I think Allison is more of a Slytherin but that doesn’t look as good

(Source: char1iepace)

So the doctor gave me Viagra to increase the blood flow to my cankle (they grafted skin from my calf to my ankle because all the skin on my ankle was destroyed when my leg was run over by a taxi).

Oh did i mention i’m in the hospital because a taxi driver tried to rape me then threw me out of the car

My life is ridiculous.

I bet you can tell I’m a woman,” she said, “and I suspect the rest of the world can, too.”

She said she was all too aware that if she was selected, she would represent several hundred male athletes in the NBA; she would deal with league officials and agents who were nearly all men; she would negotiate with team owners who were almost all men; and she would stand before reporters who were predominantly men.

She did not flinch. “My past,” she told the room, “is littered with the bones of men who were foolish enough to think I was someone they could sleep on.

- Michele Roberts, the new head of the NBA Player’s Union (xx)

(Source: mdz1971)

afrofilipino:

white people…..

afrofilipino:

white people…..